What I Didn't Count On About Being a Mother

Guest Post By Elizabeth Clark
Stranraur, Scotland

When I was pregnant I listened to many "everything changes when you are a parent" lectures. I knew things were going to change, obviously, there was going to be a new person in the world, and I would never feel fully rested again. But I never counted on the guilt. I don't know why, but I feel guilty about a lot of things related to parenting:

• Whether I spend enough time with Rosemary
• Whether I spend too much time with Rosemary
• Being unsure if I am feeding her a balanced diet
• Wanting to spend time alone
• Getting annoyed at her waking up from a 20-minute nap the minute my hastily made coffee is ready to drink
• Whether having Rosemary sleep with me at night is going to warp her mind
• Trying to get a job
• Not getting a job and continuing to sponge off my almost-husband

It's strange. Pre-baby I was fairly confident in myself and how I was living, but my little baby girl turned my world upside down, and I haven't a clue what I am doing half the time.

I think a part of me still feels like the horribly awkward girl in middle school, not sure of what to do, but copying others to fake her way through. My other 'mommy' friends have babies a couple of months older, so I can kind of see what they are doing and … well, copy them. 

I don't know if this guilt ever really will go away, or simply morph into new guilt issues, like discipline or wondering how I am raising her.

I kind of wish raising a child was like reading a 'choose your adventure' book—I could keep my finger here and take a peek a couple years in the future and see if the way I am raising her will lead to future problems. If the result is something bad, I can still try to fix it. But I suppose I just have to do the best I can.

Comments

[mom~]

Worry doesn't change the future and is a waste of energy. Would it not be better to enjoy & just have fun each and everyday with Rosemary. Seems to me that the rest just sort of works out for itself.